Nailed It: I Want My Own Cabaret Nails

So I am competing at New York cabaret hot spot, 54 Below, for a chance to win my very own cabaret.

If I were to get a cabaret, I would be achieving the dreams of the 14 year old Southern California girl inside of me, still belting “All That Jazz” into her hair brush.

My dreams are comprised of many different things now that I am older and way more aware of how not wiser I am, but a cabaret is still pretty high up on the list.

You see, I created and am the lead singer of the completely improvised rock band, The Vigilante, here in New York.

I basically created my own cabaret.

I would use everything that I have learned doing that, doing long form and short form improv all over the world, touring around the country improvising Broadway musicals, doing stand up, being on television, and all of my other crazy life stories to put on a the best damn cabaret just off Broadway that New York City has ever seen. HYPERBOLE!

cabaret nails

Below is the video from the cabaret. PLEASE. If you have a second. Go to the YouTube video and click “LIKE.” You would be helping one of my dreams come true.


Nailed It: St. Paddy’s Mani

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Remember to wear green.

Don’t be that guy.

It is a fun thing that we all do together and you not participating just makes you a downer.

And sore from all of the pinches.

So, just wear green, alright?

An easy way to add green to your wardrobe (and to keep you safe from the clasp of index fingers and thumbs) is to paint your nails!



My quality is not the best I have ever done but is my first time working with a nail art pen. You should see my right hand…..

The green I used is a shitty Old Navy brand green. I would call it “Grass is Greener,” or “Green Machine.”

The blue is one I have used on the blog before, Orly’s “It’s Up To Blue”.  I love how it is shimmery. I would call it “Mermaid’s Tale.”

The white is a white paint Kiss nail art pen. Do the nail art pens have clever names? I don’t think so. I think the pens are pretty straight forward. But if I were to name the pen…I would name it just that, “Straight Forward.”

Now go get drunk!

Nailed It: I Got A Package Nails!

It is finally here!!!!packagenails



These nails aren’t as exciting as my package’s arrival but I love the combo of gray and deep burgundy.

The gray is Essie’s “Miss Fancy Pants.” I would have called it “Dorian Gray” or “Gray’s Anatomy.”

The burgundy is my mom’s favorite nail polish ever. She left it at my house over a year ago and neither of us has remembered.  So, technically, this shit is mine now. Anyway.  It is Borghese “Sonata Berry.” Come on. What are they doing over there at Borghese? Snobs. I would have called it “I’m Ron Burgundy” or “Burgundy-vine.”

Have fun nail art lovers!

Nailed It: Angsty Teen Nails

pink and black nail

One of my best friends and I were talking on the telephone recently.

I don’t talk on the phone much nowadays. Feels retro. Feels like I am a teenager.

Especially since my friend and I have been friends since we were the teenage versions of ourselves.

“What are you doing?” he asks. He’s had a lot of white wine since getting back from the Hamptons.

“Painting my nails.”


“Yes. Really.”


“What color should I paint them?” I ask, as I begin to apply my bottom coat.

“Pink and black,” he says immediately. As if he had called to tell me that.

So. Here they are. My pink and black, Angsty Teen nails.

The black is a shitty, $3 nail polish that I got from one of those cheaply made clothing stores that swap out their entire inventory every week. It doesn’t even have a name. I don’t know why I feel such sympathy for an nameless nail polish. Well, I would have called it, “Breeze of the Black Night.” Great opening line to the Ditty Bops song of the same name.

The florescent pink is the ” Purple Haze” again. Still upset about this color name too. See. Here is another instance where I am placing entirely too much emotional energy on a nail polish color.


Recommended Listening:

“Breeze Black Night” by The Ditty Bops

Nailed It: Cupid’s Cuticles

I have a friend who is obsessed with nail art. So much so that she receives free gifts from Essie.

She once told me a wonderful fairy tale about the writers who come up with nail polish colors. The writers have to travel for color name inspiration.

I want this job. How do you get this job?

This depresses me.

I am going to drown my sorrows in the must destructive place. THE INTERNET!

vday nails

These colors are Essie’s “Size Matters” (pssh! Easy.) and Sinful Colors Professionals “Snow Me White” (What?).

If I were to, say, have that amazing job, I would have called Essie’s red “The Red Scare” or “Fire En-genious.”

I would work for Sinful Colors Professionals too! A dream jobs a dream job. I would have called the Sinful Colors Proffessional’s white “White In The House,” “White Bright,” or “White Power.” Okay. Maybe not “White Bright.”

Do you have better names? Comment! Subscribe! Let’s be friends. Come on. It’s friggen Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!