Top Five Ways To Stay Slim!

Nothing tastes better than being skinny feels. Yet you keep trying to prove that theory wrong by eating just one more donut.

Well. Set that maple bar down (mmmmm….maple bar…..) and pick up your pencil….

What? Oh. It’s that little, yellow, wooden stick that people use when taking tests. You know, the thing with the pink rubber on the other end that deletes your words?

Yeah. That’s a pencil.

Anyway chubbers. Here are a few tips you can use to help keep you slim and socially acceptable.

5. Find a New Hobby!

Don't eat a burger. Knit one.

Don’t eat a burger. Knit one.

Contrary to popular belief, eating is not a necessity. It is not even a luxury. A luxury would imply enjoyment and enjoying your food is a huge ass mistake. Literally. So, instead of spending your precious time shoveling food down your gullet, pick up a new hobby. Scrapbook! Macrame! Decoupage! Anorexia! Find something that expands your mind and not your waistline.

4. Got Some Free Time? Exercise!

Starving? Good.

Starving? Good.

Fitting exercise into a busy schedule can be really difficult. But fitting your fat ass into a single digit sized pair of jeans will be impossible if you don’t run, jump up and down, lift heavy things, and pretend like you are sitting on an invisible chair once in a while.  So, if you find that you have an hour break from your soul sucking cubicle job, instead of using that lunch break to escape the monotony that is your life by eating more, go sweat. When you feel an emptiness in your stomach and your soul, you’re doing it right.

3. Eat Less!

Pure gluttony.

Pure gluttony.

Look. You only live once. So why live fat? Everyone knows that all of the incredible things about life are made that much better by being thin. And if you believe in an afterlife, I am sure it is even worse to be fat in Heaven. Imagine all of the dry weddings you have to attend up there! And you will be hanging out with all of those skinny and ethereal angels. The only fat angels are those fat baby cupids and they are allowed to be fat, they’re babies.

2. Stop Eating Out!

You too could be thin enough to fit in this box.

You too could be thin enough to fit in this box.

Of course I mean “stop going out to restaurants,” you pervert.

That’s right! One sure fire way to lose that last 10 – 40 lbs is to stop going out to eat. You can never be sure how many calories are in a dish when you are not meticulously measuring each ingredient yourself. So why risk it? Instead, stay inside. By yourself. Alone. And watch the pounds and your life melt away.

1. Just Stop Enjoying Your Food!

Look how much fun she is having not eating her ice cream!

Look how much fun she is having not eating her ice cream!

This is just plain common sense. If you insist on eating delicious food, you will continue to want to eat that food.
“But Rebecca, enjoying delicious food makes life worth living.”
No. The only life worth living is a thin one. Look at movie stars. They have the life that we all should be striving for and they were only allowed to have that life if because they are slender. True. There are some fat movie stars but they either got fat after they were famous (failures) or they use their fat to entertain us. Like clowns. And you aren’t a clown. You are a living, breathing, skinny human being. Actually, breathing makes your stomach bigger so you should probably stop that too.

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The Top 5 Things That Make You Look Older

“You look tired.”

“Are you feeling alright?”

“You’re looking super old lately.”

Sound familiar?

In a world where youth and beauty are some of the most sought after commodities, we are constantly looking for things to help us avoid getting old and ugly. Here are my top five tips on what to avoid to remain youthful and radiant.

5. Sobriety

Make sure your babies stay babies.

Nothing says, “I’m old” like being the responsible, sober one at the party. “But Rebecca, I can’t drink like I used to.” Well, you don’t look like you used to either grandma. Everyone else at the bar is radiant with beer soaked youthfulness while you sip on your water and slowly march toward the grave. Turns out, the fountain of youth is flowing with booze. So drink up!

4.  Mirrors

You can’t possibly be that happy. You’re old.

As the saying goes, “the only thing to fear is fear itself. And looking all old and shit.” One of the best ways to stop yourself from looking old is to just stop looking. Especially in bathrooms with florescent lighting. So avoid those mirrors, and all reflective surfaces for that matter, like the plague or you will realize that, in reality, you look like you are being ravaged by that plague.

3. Being Skinny

It’s beach season ladiessssss!

Sure you could be all skinny and stuff (like you should be…) and plump up your face with botox injections (Botulism? More like HOTulism!). Or you could just, you know, be plump. So put down that bowl of kale and pick up that pail of fried chicken. Besides, no one is sexually attracted to you anymore anyway. You’re old.

2. Children

TIP: Try inhaling their youth.

If I wanted to look thin, I wouldn’t hang out with a bunch of super models. I would hang out at a T.G.I. Friday’s in Indiana. So why on earth would you hang out around little bundles of the joy you will never feel again? To avoid being the oldest one in the room, hang out with the oldest one in the room. Not only can you benefit from the wisdom and life experience they can impart on you but you can benefit from their face being way more raggedy and wrinkly than yours. Besides, no one wants to have sex with your life experience. And that is what it is all about, being someone people want to have sex with. Forever.

1. Living

No need to spend a single cent on any of those ridiculous anti-aging products. No need to even follow the advice from any of the other things on this list. The number one way to stop the aging process is to stop aging at all. Once you feel you have reached your personal attractiveness peak, just end it. No need to keep on going. Nothing is worse than looking old. Not even death.

5 Reasons The Grammys Are Important For Humanity

The Grammys are here!

And thank God. I don’t know what we would all do without them.

Each year, millions of people tune in to CBS (and according to the ratings of The Big Bang Theory, people actually tune in to CBS on other nights throughout the year. And other DAYS too! There must be so many more old people alive than we realize! Or there are a lot of televisions that have been left on….) to be reminded of the life lessons that help us to grow as a community, as a society, and as a species.

1. We must always look “fabulous.”

Life is a red carpet. And the red carpet is a conveyor belt of beauty, brand names, and bulimia. What is the name of the person who made what you are wearing? How expensive are your rings? What is all of that extra skin hanging off of your arm bones? These are all important questions that The Grammys helps us to reflect on for nearly four hours before the actual ceremony begins. We humans need to take note of how to look our best. Investing in your appearance is the first step towards personal success. Or bankruptcy. So buy that designer outfit, don those expensive jewels, and remember, you can eat when you’re dead.

Money well spent.

2. We need to know who is officially the best at music.

 I spend hours researching new albums and clicking through my friend’s playlists on Spotify. And every year, without fail, The Grammys show me who I should have been listening to this entire time. The all powerful Grammy Academy Members listen to all of the music that was ever made throughout the whole year and they narrow it down to five of the best musicians of all the musicians that made music. All of them. Oddly enough, the best musicians turn out to be some of the most recognizable too. Which makes sense. Why would we recognize them if they weren’t the most talented?

I! Will never, ever, ever! Buy your record!

3. We need to recognize the power of auto-tune.  

Technology is amazing. The Grammys allows us take a peak behind the curtain to see how auto-tune is capable of near magical feats.

It can turn a pretty face and pleasant speaking voice into a global phenomenon.

Girl. Russell Brand? John Mayer? Seriously?
It can help musicians travel back in time.

Elton John is 65 years old now. He is an old man.
It made this man a star.

AMERICA.

4. We need to be reminded of how vastly different Country music is from Hip Hop.

Now, I want to clarify. The Grammys aren’t showing us that country singers are better or worse than their hip hop contemporaries. They are merely showing us that they odd men and woman out. You know, how did those kids get into this party? Honestly, when I watch The Grammys I feel like the country singers are embarrassing me. Just sit down Carrie Underwood. Jay Z looks bored.

Not that they aren’t cool! I am sure they are super cool. At the CMAs.

But, just…just stop Miranda Lambert. Adele is on her cell phone.

And we must not forget the terrible things that can come of Country singers attempting to force themselves into the Hip Hop world.

You are no “Kid” my friend.
The Grammys remind us to keep these two worlds separate for the well being of us all and for future generations to come.

5.We need to remember that Justin Timberlake is cooler than all of us.

This is one of life’s few universal truths.

Justin Timberlake has always been, and always will be, cooler than you.

He was cooler than you when he was on The Mickey Mouse Club. Who wouldn’t want to be on The Mickey Mouse Club when they were a kid?

Rhetorical. Everyone would.

And he probably sang and danced better than you now when he was that age.

He probably went to Disneyland for free.

He was cooler than you when he was in a boy band. He traveled all over the world and was sought after by millions of women when he was in his early twenties. Oh yea. He was an even better singer and dancer then.

Okay. He had a “lesbian author” period. But he was the coolest lesbian author.

Now he is married to Jessica Beal, a regular on Saturday Night Live, has starred in major motion pictures, and is probably friends with Geroge Clooney.

Justin Timberlake does everything that you think would make you cooler. Because it would. But if you did those things, he would still be better at them than you.

Sexy has been brought’n.

So, remember to tune in to The Grammys every year to freshen up on a few of the things that are truly important in this life.

Recommended listening:

“Suit & Tie” by Justin Timerlake Feat. Jay Z