Days Five – Eight: The Shouldas

I really believe that lethargy is genetic.

I have a friend who never just lays around on the couch all day. If she has a day off she will probably make it to the gym, then the grocery store, then she will make a new vegan recipe, followed by a vegan pie, while talking on the phone with her grandmother, taking care of her garden, walking her dog, remodeling the bathroom, all before getting ready to go out all night with wonderful energy for all the people who love her.

And she has three sisters. Who are all as active, if not more so. One of them even makes her own jam.

homemaker

While I have two sisters and all three of us are capable of lying on the couch while doing nothing from the moment we wake up to the moment that it is time to go back to sleep. And my mother is the same way!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I live by my To Do Lists. I knit. I make my own all natural beauty products. I write. I am neat and tidy (sometimes to a fault). But there are times that I need to never even think about getting out of bed. And having the ability, and sometimes intense need, to be that lazy is something that I have always struggled with. I feel so guilty for letting yet another day just slip through my fingers. I feel so guilty because I feel like I should.

Or should I just be nice to myself and call myself a “home body?”

When I call myself a “home body” and I live in a place like New York City, I feel debilitating guilt.

How can I possibly live in one of the best cities in the world and not want to be out in that city all day every day? Should I be  soaking in all it has to offer?! Should I be living life to it’s fullest?!

Well, my immediate answer would be the most common answer to the question, “Why not?”

Money.

When you live in New York City on a super standard salary (which a lot of people don’t even have the luxury of having), the majority of your money goes to your rent.

So shouldn’t I be okay with spending most of my time where I spend most of my money??!!

Look. Money. Laziness. My friends making jam. None of these are the point.

Go back and read this entry from the beginning.

Do you see how many times I used the word, or some form of the word, “should?”

I’ll wait.

You just scrolled down didn’t you?

Lazy.

Five. There were FIVE times where I asked about whether or not I “should” be doing something.

Who the hell am I asking?

Who is the ultimate authority on what I “should” be doing?

Who decides?

The only things I “should” be doing is keeping my body safe and functioning, being kind to others, and paying my taxes.

Otherwise……..it’s all me.

I am the one who decides what I “should” be doing. Because I am the only one who knows what I “want” to be doing.

Right?

Wrong.

I am so consumed with the “shouldas” that I am not clear on the “wannas.”

And the consumption in the the “shouldas” are extracting the enjoyment from the things that I am perfectly sure I “wanna” do.

This is just another case of me getting in my own way.

It even happens with this blog.

I still haven’t told people about it. I still want to go back over old posts and edit. I still think about scrapping the whole thing entirely. I still want to write a blog that I “should” write rather than writing what I fucking “WANT” to write about.

And I have wanted to write about the battle in my own mind.

But I also want to post recipes. And I want to post knitting projects. And I want to post videos. And I want……

SO I SHOULD DO IT.

Right. The only time you “should” is when it leads to accomplishing something you “want.”

Stop stopping.

Start creating.

Run Porn: 7th of 2013

Before The Snow

Suggested Listening

“1517” by The Whitest Boy Alive

Day 4: You Love A Lot Of Assholes

I have had a few different therapists throughout my life.

Duh.

The therapist I saw after my parent’s divorce was a “nosy, stupid adult with a clipboard.”  The therapist I saw in college was alright but temporary because my state university only offered 20 free sessions. The therapist I saw when I first moved to New York spent the entire hour of our first session asking my opinion on whether or not he should move his practice to New Mexico.  (Yes. Leave.)

My current therapist is juuuuuuuust right.

I think she is a perfect fit for me (at this point in my life) because she is calm, passionate, and all about action. If you want something to be different, make it so.

She gives me homework assignments in order to ensure that I am actively participating in my own growth, blah, blah, blah…some bullshit. I don’t know. I wasn’t listening.

That was a joke.

But I made that joke because all of this self help stuff, and talking about it openly, makes me very uncomfortable. I hate the idea of becoming ….cheesy. I have had friends who have been in the middle of their own quest for happiness and they suddenly turn in to life affirming quotation machines!

 Dance like no one is watching, Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like no one is listening….

…Live like no one is rolling their goddamn eyes.

Well, one of the daily homework assignments that I have been given makes me particularly uncomfortable.

She has asked me to read, out loud, every morning, a daily affirmation.

Psssh! She must be out her damn mind. Who does she think I am??!

stuart_smalley

I’m a United States Senator!

Now. For the first few days, I left the daily affirmation, folded in half, inside my notebook.

For the next few days, I started pulling it out, reading a little bit of it, and rolling my eyes until I passed out.

Finally, I pulled it out of my notebook. Sat in front of my mirror and read it. Out loud. To me. After all, who does she think I am? She thinks I am someone who is spending her hard earned, pre-tax dollars to become a stronger more present adult. (Yuck.) And she is right. I am on a mission. I chose to accept it. So I have to do the work.

So. Here goes…..

It is a victory, not a failure, to admit my problems, acknowledge any wrong I’ve done,
and turn to a higher power for help.

I always flinch at the “higher power” line. I don’t consider it a victory to turn to a higher power. I consider turning to someone of flesh and bone with real time judgments and preconceived notions much more victorious.

It is healthy to accept and love myself and let others love me, for I am worthy of respect and love.

Sometimes.

NEW VOICE: NO! Don’t do that. Just say it.

What?! Sometimes I am an asshole.

NEW VOICE: So is everyone else! You love a lot of assholes. Are they worthy of that love?

Haha…YOU love a lot of assholes…

It is okay to trust myself and others.
I can be responsible for myself, just as others can be responsible for themselves.

It’s not that I am nearly incapable of trusting people because I don’t think it is “okay.” It is just difficult. It can lead to so much disappointment. But I suppose I should admit that it is okay to trust myself. I just need to focus on not letting myself down. I am the only one who can do that.

It is possible for me to be happy, since happiness depends on myself and my attitude, not on other people or things.

I would love to believe this. And I suppose that is why I am here. Though, I am slowly but surely discovering how much of your own happiness is created by your own mind. Alright. I’m listening….

It is possible for me to change if I set realistic goals; I can reach them one step and one day at a time.

Exactly! Realistic goals! Ever since I was a kid, the words “goals” and “dreams” were interchangeable. When I plotted out my life there were no small, achievable goals in between 12 year old me and being the second female Primetime late night talk show host/civil rights attorney. I overwhelmed myself with my OWN expectations. Which is insane!

I can’t do everything, or do everything perfectly, but  I can do something. If I fail, it’s okay.

Damn right! I can’t do everything! And when trying to do everything, you are most certainly going to be doing something for the first time which you rarely if ever do perfectly. Especially if you’re trying to do everything! But if I set realistic, achievable goals and I accept that “if at first I don’t succeed, try try again…” Oh no. I’m becoming a positivity quotations meme.

There’s no failure except in not trying. 

The only way I can let myself down is if I don’t get back up. I need to trust that I have the power to just get back up. “Evolution only recognizes action.” Jesus. There I go again….

It’s all right to set limits to keep my sanity and serenity

I just want to note that there was a typo in this affirmation. (It reads “It’s all right” meaning “all things are accurate” and it should read “It’s alright” meaning “it is fine.”) And the writer/nerd/perfectionist/stop wants to completely disregard this as helpful but the person who is struggling to accept the flaws in herself also needs to accept the flaws in others. But….

It’s okay to let things go that cannot be changed or that do not matter.

Alright. I’ll let it go.

So. There. I did it. With only a little bit of push back.

I will say, the great things about affirmations, and this one in particular. Each sentence addresses whatever I want it to address really. It is like reading a horoscope.

The Moon in Leo, Venus in Sagittarius, and your head in Uranus,
exciting possibilities in your love life are on the horizon!

“I DO have a date tonight. That is amazing!” – You

Yea. You know what’s amazing? You made that mean exactly what you needed it to mean.

Which. Might be. One of the biggest lessons I have learned five days into this year long quest.

You make it what you want to make it.
You are in total control of how you interpret anything.

So get your head out of Uranus and start interpreting your own destiny!

One sentence at a time.