Top Five Ways To Stay Slim!

Nothing tastes better than being skinny feels. Yet you keep trying to prove that theory wrong by eating just one more donut.

Well. Set that maple bar down (mmmmm….maple bar…..) and pick up your pencil….

What? Oh. It’s that little, yellow, wooden stick that people use when taking tests. You know, the thing with the pink rubber on the other end that deletes your words?

Yeah. That’s a pencil.

Anyway chubbers. Here are a few tips you can use to help keep you slim and socially acceptable.

5. Find a New Hobby!

Don't eat a burger. Knit one.

Don’t eat a burger. Knit one.

Contrary to popular belief, eating is not a necessity. It is not even a luxury. A luxury would imply enjoyment and enjoying your food is a huge ass mistake. Literally. So, instead of spending your precious time shoveling food down your gullet, pick up a new hobby. Scrapbook! Macrame! Decoupage! Anorexia! Find something that expands your mind and not your waistline.

4. Got Some Free Time? Exercise!

Starving? Good.

Starving? Good.

Fitting exercise into a busy schedule can be really difficult. But fitting your fat ass into a single digit sized pair of jeans will be impossible if you don’t run, jump up and down, lift heavy things, and pretend like you are sitting on an invisible chair once in a while.  So, if you find that you have an hour break from your soul sucking cubicle job, instead of using that lunch break to escape the monotony that is your life by eating more, go sweat. When you feel an emptiness in your stomach and your soul, you’re doing it right.

3. Eat Less!

Pure gluttony.

Pure gluttony.

Look. You only live once. So why live fat? Everyone knows that all of the incredible things about life are made that much better by being thin. And if you believe in an afterlife, I am sure it is even worse to be fat in Heaven. Imagine all of the dry weddings you have to attend up there! And you will be hanging out with all of those skinny and ethereal angels. The only fat angels are those fat baby cupids and they are allowed to be fat, they’re babies.

2. Stop Eating Out!

You too could be thin enough to fit in this box.

You too could be thin enough to fit in this box.

Of course I mean “stop going out to restaurants,” you pervert.

That’s right! One sure fire way to lose that last 10 – 40 lbs is to stop going out to eat. You can never be sure how many calories are in a dish when you are not meticulously measuring each ingredient yourself. So why risk it? Instead, stay inside. By yourself. Alone. And watch the pounds and your life melt away.

1. Just Stop Enjoying Your Food!

Look how much fun she is having not eating her ice cream!

Look how much fun she is having not eating her ice cream!

This is just plain common sense. If you insist on eating delicious food, you will continue to want to eat that food.
“But Rebecca, enjoying delicious food makes life worth living.”
No. The only life worth living is a thin one. Look at movie stars. They have the life that we all should be striving for and they were only allowed to have that life if because they are slender. True. There are some fat movie stars but they either got fat after they were famous (failures) or they use their fat to entertain us. Like clowns. And you aren’t a clown. You are a living, breathing, skinny human being. Actually, breathing makes your stomach bigger so you should probably stop that too.


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