The Top 5 Things That Make You Look Older

“You look tired.”

“Are you feeling alright?”

“You’re looking super old lately.”

Sound familiar?

In a world where youth and beauty are some of the most sought after commodities, we are constantly looking for things to help us avoid getting old and ugly. Here are my top five tips on what to avoid to remain youthful and radiant.

5. Sobriety

Make sure your babies stay babies.

Nothing says, “I’m old” like being the responsible, sober one at the party. “But Rebecca, I can’t drink like I used to.” Well, you don’t look like you used to either grandma. Everyone else at the bar is radiant with beer soaked youthfulness while you sip on your water and slowly march toward the grave. Turns out, the fountain of youth is flowing with booze. So drink up!

4.  Mirrors

You can’t possibly be that happy. You’re old.

As the saying goes, “the only thing to fear is fear itself. And looking all old and shit.” One of the best ways to stop yourself from looking old is to just stop looking. Especially in bathrooms with florescent lighting. So avoid those mirrors, and all reflective surfaces for that matter, like the plague or you will realize that, in reality, you look like you are being ravaged by that plague.

3. Being Skinny

It’s beach season ladiessssss!

Sure you could be all skinny and stuff (like you should be…) and plump up your face with botox injections (Botulism? More like HOTulism!). Or you could just, you know, be plump. So put down that bowl of kale and pick up that pail of fried chicken. Besides, no one is sexually attracted to you anymore anyway. You’re old.

2. Children

TIP: Try inhaling their youth.

If I wanted to look thin, I wouldn’t hang out with a bunch of super models. I would hang out at a T.G.I. Friday’s in Indiana. So why on earth would you hang out around little bundles of the joy you will never feel again? To avoid being the oldest one in the room, hang out with the oldest one in the room. Not only can you benefit from the wisdom and life experience they can impart on you but you can benefit from their face being way more raggedy and wrinkly than yours. Besides, no one wants to have sex with your life experience. And that is what it is all about, being someone people want to have sex with. Forever.

1. Living

No need to spend a single cent on any of those ridiculous anti-aging products. No need to even follow the advice from any of the other things on this list. The number one way to stop the aging process is to stop aging at all. Once you feel you have reached your personal attractiveness peak, just end it. No need to keep on going. Nothing is worse than looking old. Not even death.


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