The Grammys are here!
And thank God. I don’t know what we would all do without them.
Each year, millions of people tune in to CBS (and according to the ratings of The Big Bang Theory, people actually tune in to CBS on other nights throughout the year. And other DAYS too! There must be so many more old people alive than we realize! Or there are a lot of televisions that have been left on….) to be reminded of the life lessons that help us to grow as a community, as a society, and as a species.
1. We must always look “fabulous.”
Life is a red carpet. And the red carpet is a conveyor belt of beauty, brand names, and bulimia. What is the name of the person who made what you are wearing? How expensive are your rings? What is all of that extra skin hanging off of your arm bones? These are all important questions that The Grammys helps us to reflect on for nearly four hours before the actual ceremony begins. We humans need to take note of how to look our best. Investing in your appearance is the first step towards personal success. Or bankruptcy. So buy that designer outfit, don those expensive jewels, and remember, you can eat when you’re dead.
Money well spent.
2. We need to know who is officially the best at music.
I! Will never, ever, ever! Buy your record!
3. We need to recognize the power of auto-tune.
Technology is amazing. The Grammys allows us take a peak behind the curtain to see how auto-tune is capable of near magical feats.
4. We need to be reminded of how vastly different Country music is from Hip Hop.
Now, I want to clarify. The Grammys aren’t showing us that country singers are better or worse than their hip hop contemporaries. They are merely showing us that they odd men and woman out. You know, how did those kids get into this party? Honestly, when I watch The Grammys I feel like the country singers are embarrassing me. Just sit down Carrie Underwood. Jay Z looks bored.
Not that they aren’t cool! I am sure they are super cool. At the CMAs.
But, just…just stop Miranda Lambert. Adele is on her cell phone.
And we must not forget the terrible things that can come of Country singers attempting to force themselves into the Hip Hop world.
5.We need to remember that Justin Timberlake is cooler than all of us.
This is one of life’s few universal truths.
Justin Timberlake has always been, and always will be, cooler than you.
He was cooler than you when he was on The Mickey Mouse Club. Who wouldn’t want to be on The Mickey Mouse Club when they were a kid?
Rhetorical. Everyone would.
And he probably sang and danced better than you now when he was that age.
He probably went to Disneyland for free.
He was cooler than you when he was in a boy band. He traveled all over the world and was sought after by millions of women when he was in his early twenties. Oh yea. He was an even better singer and dancer then.
Okay. He had a “lesbian author” period. But he was the coolest lesbian author.
Now he is married to Jessica Beal, a regular on Saturday Night Live, has starred in major motion pictures, and is probably friends with Geroge Clooney.
Justin Timberlake does everything that you think would make you cooler. Because it would. But if you did those things, he would still be better at them than you.
Sexy has been brought’n.
So, remember to tune in to The Grammys every year to freshen up on a few of the things that are truly important in this life.
“Suit & Tie” by Justin Timerlake Feat. Jay Z