Days Five – Eight: The Shouldas

I really believe that lethargy is genetic.

I have a friend who never just lays around on the couch all day. If she has a day off she will probably make it to the gym, then the grocery store, then she will make a new vegan recipe, followed by a vegan pie, while talking on the phone with her grandmother, taking care of her garden, walking her dog, remodeling the bathroom, all before getting ready to go out all night with wonderful energy for all the people who love her.

And she has three sisters. Who are all as active, if not more so. One of them even makes her own jam.

homemaker

While I have two sisters and all three of us are capable of lying on the couch while doing nothing from the moment we wake up to the moment that it is time to go back to sleep. And my mother is the same way!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I live by my To Do Lists. I knit. I make my own all natural beauty products. I write. I am neat and tidy (sometimes to a fault). But there are times that I need to never even think about getting out of bed. And having the ability, and sometimes intense need, to be that lazy is something that I have always struggled with. I feel so guilty for letting yet another day just slip through my fingers. I feel so guilty because I feel like I should.

Or should I just be nice to myself and call myself a “home body?”

When I call myself a “home body” and I live in a place like New York City, I feel debilitating guilt.

How can I possibly live in one of the best cities in the world and not want to be out in that city all day every day? Should I be  soaking in all it has to offer?! Should I be living life to it’s fullest?!

Well, my immediate answer would be the most common answer to the question, “Why not?”

Money.

When you live in New York City on a super standard salary (which a lot of people don’t even have the luxury of having), the majority of your money goes to your rent.

So shouldn’t I be okay with spending most of my time where I spend most of my money??!!

Look. Money. Laziness. My friends making jam. None of these are the point.

Go back and read this entry from the beginning.

Do you see how many times I used the word, or some form of the word, “should?”

I’ll wait.

You just scrolled down didn’t you?

Lazy.

Five. There were FIVE times where I asked about whether or not I “should” be doing something.

Who the hell am I asking?

Who is the ultimate authority on what I “should” be doing?

Who decides?

The only things I “should” be doing is keeping my body safe and functioning, being kind to others, and paying my taxes.

Otherwise……..it’s all me.

I am the one who decides what I “should” be doing. Because I am the only one who knows what I “want” to be doing.

Right?

Wrong.

I am so consumed with the “shouldas” that I am not clear on the “wannas.”

And the consumption in the the “shouldas” are extracting the enjoyment from the things that I am perfectly sure I “wanna” do.

This is just another case of me getting in my own way.

It even happens with this blog.

I still haven’t told people about it. I still want to go back over old posts and edit. I still think about scrapping the whole thing entirely. I still want to write a blog that I “should” write rather than writing what I fucking “WANT” to write about.

And I have wanted to write about the battle in my own mind.

But I also want to post recipes. And I want to post knitting projects. And I want to post videos. And I want……

SO I SHOULD DO IT.

Right. The only time you “should” is when it leads to accomplishing something you “want.”

Stop stopping.

Start creating.

Run Porn: 7th of 2013

Before The Snow

Suggested Listening

“1517” by The Whitest Boy Alive

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